Flashback-I

Yesterday night I dunno why suddenly memories, some very dirty memories flooded my mind, pissing me off for the whole day onwards.... Memories which one would never want to remember, no matter what happens... Memories where your near and dear ones, your blood relations, doubt you and question you about your character.....................

Though I was tried my utmost to enjoy myself in my batchmate’s birthday party, I just found myself all alone even amongst the crowd, seeing  the tensionless ever smiling faces of all others... I felt sorry for myself when she brought to flaunt the gift given to her by her partner........... How I wish if someone showered the same intensity of affection on me......................

Everything’s just imperfect in my life....... Everything........... My life’s all puzzled and messed up big time.... I try not to mess it this time, treading on safe roadways but don’t know why I end up in a dirty messy situation....................................

Nostalgia......

When I started visualizing my life, which is, quite different from mere seeing it, the love songs that constantly played themselves automatically as a childhood subconscious extremity, had quite a ruthless effect on me.

I held the hilt of the sword of my life, but did not notice the bend of it towards the ''trait of fools''- emotions. The river of my emotions , then, was more of a kind of jet- though a path breaking/making mirage- but still, not something on which one or I, in this matter, could count upon.

Do you know what happens when we are moving too swiftly and are about to collide head on- well, for me, I closed my eyes, with my eyes being an unnatural synonym to my ideological and intellectual needs and the spluttering irony being that literally, those were my eyes that were making my way and mind go astray.

''balanced may be the heartbeat, balanced may be the choices,
but the balanced always do trip, when it comes to voices..''
I was an integral part of the balanced youth fraternity, though in quite the same manner as Kashmir is of India, but when it came to the cupid call, I was the predator, though not having the same night spark, so conspicuous to all of the kind.

This made my walls crumble within me and the rebel of rubble caught me napping. I was down the bottomless pit..... No air, no crops, no swords, no rivers...always going down.. But every bottomless treachery has its own depths, so I believe that now for me, I ended up lying in the midway- the point where I could move down no more.

So my emotions, my love and my life are the tripod, usually a crumbly one, but if something is tried to balance over it, well, who the hell knows?? So I do say sometimes-
''Wrong was I in loving him, though it still seems right,
Longing for love, for me, is a never ending fight....''

Back to the cage again...!!!!

Back to the cage again and no matter what, no matter how much I try to look to the brighter side of things, situations/circumstances just force me to be a pessimist again and again...!!! I knew, I knew it that when everything good is happening with me, something bad, very ugly is just waiting for me in the near future and bingo...!!!! I don’t know why this always has to happen with me only....!!! Why not NtGh..???

NtGh had a terrible experience and oh yes...!!! NtGh got an excellent wonderful gift and she’s forever going on bragging about it (well, she has the right to brag about it...!!!) Yeah yeah we know that’s why you had dumped SyndBn and you won’t hesitate in future either... Now it’s just the time to wait and watch....

I hate this place, I don’t know what’s in store for me in future and why do I have to keepn returning to this place...????????????? Aaaaarrrrrrggghhhhhhh.....!!!!!!

SS Music...!!!!!

There’s a TV channel in my colony or “para” or area, whatever you may say (to be more specific-where I stay if you can understand) named Southern Spice Music or SS Music... As you can (or may) already get some idea from the name of the TV channel that this channel airs only South-Indian songs... South Indian means songs from the 4 Dravidan states viz Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh, Kerala, Tamil Nadu. But since the head-office of the channel is in Chennai, so they air mostly Tamil songs. So one fine day, maybe it was when I was in my graduation 2^nd year or end of my 1^st year, I suddenly heard my mother listening to some songs whose language I couldn’t understand. I came to the TV room only to see that THANKFULLY (oh yess...!! thankfully) my mom, while surfing all the channels, had discovered this wonderful channel and was listening and watching attentively to the songs and the heroes-heroines dancing around the trees.. But what surprised me even more is that the quality of songs, the quality of picturization, choosing of shooting locations or spots in South-Indian movies have changed, rather improved, drastically... I still remember some of the old South-Indian pictures which I had saw on the net-the pathetic, aged heroes (or uncles !!!) and their young, beautiful heroines (who seemed like their daughters..!!!) and terrible acting, equally terrible shooting spots and lip sync..

Since then, I became a fan of the SS Music channel and I still remember the first Tamil song I heard-“Nenjukkul Peidhidum”, sung by the great Hariharan, from the movie Vaaraanam Ayaram starring Surya, Sameera Reddy and Simran... Aaahhh..!!! I fell in love with the song and the beautiful picturization  of the song as well... Too good....!!!! For a change, I actually liked Sameera Reddy in the movie.. I even downloaded the movie from Youtube (obviously with subtitles... :P :P )

Since then on, my journey of listening to South-Indian songs started and also watching them (with subtitles... :P :P ) The second song which just took me to a trance state is the song “Hosanna” from the Telugu movie “Yeh Maaya Chesave” starring Naga Chaitanya and Samantha which was later remade into a Tamil one named “Vinnathaandi Varuvaayaa” starring Trisha Kanan and oops..!! I forgot the Tamil hero’s name...!!! Never mind...!!! This song is just awesome or rather just inexplicable how much it affects me and how peaceful and calm I can feel when I listen to this song... I forget everything, every damn tension, worry in this world...!!! Truly Mr. A. R. Rehman- you are a GENIUS...!!!!

And indeed, Music has no barriers, no demarcations, no limitations and cannot be bounded by any language... You just got to feel it, then one can automatically understand what the song has to say, what the message the song has to give out to its listeners............. Music has only one language and that is to feel it from your heart....!!!!!!! That’s it......!!!!!!!!!!!!

Father's day...............

19^th June was Father’s Day... Till now, I have always consciously avoided this day or consciously kept myself busy in some or the other day so that the realization of my father’s loss doesn’t seem so overwhelming... Today also I had kept myself pretty busy (doing nothing actually as it’s raining cats and dogs in Ranchi for the past 72 hours), but busy in the sense I woke up in the morning at 11.45 am as it was pretty dark outside due to the clouds, then spent some time whiling away in the balcony listening to music... I had never known it myself the exact date of Father’s Day, or rather never considered important enough to be remembered.. But today, after I logged onto Facebook and the innumerous “Happy “Father’s Day” updates and never-ending sms-es, it reminded me painfully that yes, today is Father’s Day... Yes, the pain of losing a father at 3 years of age, remembering very little about the person who was in your life for such a short span of time, seeing your family struggle all these years through everything, hearing about that person only through others and trying to form a picture regarding how that person might have been when he was alive among them, growing up listening how IDEAL that human being was—an ideal son, an ideal husband, an ideal father (as long as he was with me-no matter whether that was a very short span in my life), continuously seeing your grandmother shedding copious tears whenever she looks at your face because I look like my father(everyone says so...!!!!)-the feeling just became too overwhelming and excruciatingly painful....

I really used feel jealous whenever I  used to see my friends’ fathers coming to drop them off or pick up from school.... And I still do whenever I see a girl being her Daddy’s li’l princess.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss you Babi.... I missed you whenever I was awarded for ranking first in class, for being the all-runder in school and you weren’t there like others’ to applaude for me..!!! I miss nagging to you for buying me something that I really like....!!! I missed you whenever other’s fathers came to hug their daughters after every dance function......I miss you when all the families go out enjoying themselves the whole night every Durga Puja, every new year, every Christmas, every Poila Boisakh......

I just miss you.................I miss you very much....................................

My first step.... :) :)

Me and my biral.... :P :P

My first birthday... :P :)

Euphoria and Lucky Ali....

Today while writing the Geomorphology assignment given by Prof M.K.M in the afternoon, I was listening to the songs of Euphoria... Suddenly a strange feeling of nostalgia swept all over me, reminding me of my AG days when we all were so good friends with no cut-throat competition among us, unlike here in ISM, where we all used to think about how to pull his or her legs, irritate him or her to the fullest, and even if the friend got angry how to pacify him or her again and then............start everything all over again....... :P :P Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! How much I just miss those days, how I wish I just could go back to those days when I had absolutely no tension at all.... No tension about my future, just let the days pass by as they were passing... The song “O sanam” by Lucky Ali gave a slight, but sweet pain in the unseen bottom of my heart which I think, perhaps, no one will able to able fathom...!!! My first love..!!! “Puppy love” as others might say too... I was just so madly, crazily, blindly in “love” with him... Goshhhhh..!!!!!!!! But now those days are nothing but a walk down the memory lane with everyone spread over different lanes.......................

Reminiscing..........

It's been a long time since I had left listening to songs, which I used to listen to during my school days..I don't know why suddenly today after 9-10 years I was frantically searching for Euphoria songs and videos on Youtube.. Got nostalgic, seeing the videos..


There are certain incidents in one's life which even you try your level best to forget, you just can't get over it..Some memories, which leave a scar in your life... So carefree, fun-filled days were those... I really miss them... Why do we need to grow up..??? Isn't there a way to remain immature,childish?? Why does life become so much complex as we come out of our shells???School life was just so much fun, without any ego, jealousy,cut-throat competition.. All we knew was just having fun, saving friends' butt when they are in trouble :P :P , getting in trouble together, standing up and taking the blame yourself and kicking ur friend's butt for saving his neck... :D :D Just missing those days terrible..


It's becoming harder and harder for me to recognize people.. They don't even take time to feign anything.. It pains to see that the world has become so fake...There are no emotions attached, everything's just so superficial....


Don't know whether I am fit enough to secure a place here..I'm still not ready to change myself.... Maybe I've to follow Charles Darwin's "Survival of the fittest" in order to survive...

Cutie....